I’ve missed him
I haven’t seen him since April 22nd. Days have been hell before leaving for Spain 3 days later, and I have to admit that I really had a nice time there, if I erase the nights when I lay awake in the hotel room having stomach aches, and the nights when right at the time when I wanted to erase everything from my mind, he invaded my brain, he and the memories, causing me to stay sleepless. This trip was like a breakaway from reality to me, as I could finally spend 5 days free from limitations when it comes to money and sleeping hours. It was the first time I was going abroad on my own, with just friends, no parents. On May 1st, we were getting ready to leave. After a long and enjoyable trip in one of my favorite planes, as the aircraft’s back wheels touched down on my country’s runway, so unexpectedly, tears started dripping from my eyes. I could not stop and I was grateful that my classmate sitting next to me was still sleeping. That’s when it hit me - I’ve come back to my problems again. For some minutes, I wished I could just vanish and leave my country and memories behind, but then again, I could not leave my family, friends….him. Back home, I arrived to find my mum telling me that she had seen his dad 3 times and talked with him. Then, a Sunday night, we were leaving from my cousin’s house. As I was in the car, I was staring at my iPod wallpaper (Audi r8, his dad’s car) and I thought “what if we see him today as we go home?” And I was like nah, not even gonna think about it. And then, I turned to look out the window and what do I see? His dad passing by with his beautiful car, waving at us. I thought that this can’t be, that I’m living an illusion. Why is this happening? It can’t be a coincidence. The days after, I cried every day, I was like a dead person being forced to act like a normal human being. As if this was not enough, we saw his dad 3 more times. Plus, school still had 2 weeks to go. 2 weeks without him again. 2 weeks in hell. The first week passed quickly thank God, with me trying to explain my mum that when she asks me if I had a good time and I say “no”, it’s cause I’m not okay. And she knows all the reasons. I am sick of pretending to be happy. I hate lying. I’m not even good at it. Today was the last day at school. I’ve been telling myself for days now “Calm down, you won’t see him until next year. With your luck, there’s no chance that you’ll see him here again” so I could calm down the enthusiasm and those butterflies you feel in your stomach when you know you’re going to see the one you love. But today, the last day of the school year, as always we play water fights. I wasn’t really in the mood to play so I went on the library with a friend of mine. As we were coming down, these lyrics came in my head- ‘the vacancy that sat in my heart, is a space that now you hold’ simply, cause my heart belongs to him. And just after finishing my thought, there he was ~ The boy in the grey Abercrombie t shirt and the beige shorts, his hair, those curls that were now grown since the last time I saw him, his scruff -oh God- I swear it’s made in heaven, and his chocolate eyes looking where? At me. ~ And just like that, the vacancy in my heart that he owned seemed to fill, and my heart started throbbing, throbbing wildly. I couldn’t control myself, as I smiled as wide as never before, and a wave of energy hit my body, forcing me wanting to jump. I run in the cantine trying not to scream “I saw him, I saw him!” And then I wanted to cry. It’s really difficult for me to hide my feelings. He must think I’m a psycho. If I could, I wanted to run up to him and hug him tightly saying “I’ve missed you” but unfortunately I can’t. Past days I’ve been wondering; what am I going to do next year? Will we talk? Will I be able to tell him happy birthday? Will he tell me happy name day again? Will we be like complete strangers? How am I going to talk at the debate club if he’s in front? How am I going to control myself and stop the shaking and the trembling whenever he’s around? Will he still be staring at me? Will he still think I’m beautiful? Will he break up with his girlfriend? Will he be happy? Will he change his mind about me? Will he ever talk to me again? So many questions consume my energy and fill up my mind….I don’t know how much more I can hold on. Suicidal thoughts fill me but I push them away with the stupid faith and hope I still weirdly have. Living with no unexpected surprises from him is worthless. I’ve missed the feeling when he looked at me and told me “happy nameday”. When he first realized it was me back on September. When he gave me advice about confidence. When he was with his girlfriend, but was still staring at me. When he was behind me at the cantine and hummed a song that is now stuck in my head forever. When he held the door open for me. When I waved at him, and he waved back. When he smiled at me, and I smiled back. When we stared at each other. It’s as if all these was a lie. An illusion. As if I’ve never lived it. But when I see him….all the memories hit me at once. Every single thing, every single move, every single tiny chat. Am I not worth to be loved? I don’t bite. All I ask for is to be a friend - if not a girlfriend - of the greatest guy I’ve ever met. The guy whose parents have millions but has a Nokia older than my grandmas. The guy that is always representing my school in different events, but never gets the glory and the fame he deserves. The guy who is worth more than all the actors in Hollywood summed up. The guy who is down to earth even though he should be at the epicentre. The guy with the purest heart in my country. The guy who doesn’t like chocolates. The guy with the cheeky smile and the big brown owl eyes. The guy with whom I was in love with in the nursery, and now I’ve fallen for him again. Andrew.
